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Thursday, November 27th, 2008
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12:50 am - time to self...
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Well I'm home for thanksgiving and had sometime to myself for the moment so I thought I might jog the mind and see what hidden things come up.
haven't really been having the time to sit and think about how I'm feeling these days. I'm either working my ass off for shitty wage (shouldn't complain because i just don't have the ambition to look for a new job... go figure) or having a day off but not really because I have to catch up on housework. I feel that now that I am totally discounted from family and home I've lost a lot of faith and ambition to do anything. I may have good intentions but really they aren't good enough in the end. I've left a part of myself at home and now it is lost forever. I feel so alone knowing that I only have one person in this world that truly knows me and how I am on the inside. With everyone else I put up a wall and feel ashamed of myself and how I've let things go so far. I'm afraid to let people close to me because I don't even know what's on the inside anymore. I don't know who I am. I've let go of everything I know but I want it back. I want close friends again. I want to be able to talk to my parents and sisters without feeling nervous about what I'm saying. I go through my days with a smile on my face only to hide the pain. I don't want people asking what is wrong anymore cause I don't even know what is wrong, so I push that smile on and glide on through life. The bad thing about hiding this is that I release my sadness and frustration onto Anthony who I have whipped and torn into a wounded animal cowering away from my hand. I don't even know if he truly loves me anymore and I think he is afraid to leave me because of how far we've gotten in life together or just for the simple fact of what I might do if he does. I don't know what I would do. He's the only person that knows me the most aside from the hidden spaces of my mind that I can't even find. I don't want to be just an ordinary person that has a job everyone else has and struggles through life paycheck to paycheck. I am so much more than that but I've lost sight of my goals. Depression has a shame monster. It over works the many possibilities of what can go wrong in every situation. It eats away at your mind and soul and pretty soon you are stuck thinking about how much you hate yourself and your life and how you do everything day after day till you are left with nothing but sadness and pity for yourself. shameful of the way your are. It screams in your head so no one else will know but you. you try to ignore it and it works for a few years till you are alone. alone to sit and release thoughts that were once nothing but now they ripe you apart. Sneaks up to you like a big fucking monster ready to destroy everything in it's path. It's crazy how one little tweak in the mind can cause so much self damage....
"What shall we use
To fill the empty spaces
Where we used to talk?
How shall I fill
The final places?
How should I complete the wall"
Pink Floyd - Empty Spaces
current mood:  numb
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